Hi. This is of the past now. Written 12/31/2020 last day of that interesting…surprising painful and beautiful year.
So I realize again I’ve been walking through the map, meeting old shame at the intersections of mess ups and smelly rest stops.
When things aren’t perfect, it’s been my habit I haven’t quite unlearned yet, to carry it all on my shoulders or in my front, like a giant orange hairy monster. (I had a series of dreams) I’ll perhaps explain one day. Point is, shame…is a monster. Am I a monster. No, but I feel so absolutely ridiculous, and like the worlds gonna end if things aren’t in perfect lines, when the responsibilities in my hands…I don’t believe I take it out on other people but I do take it out on myself. Immensely. My mom prays a lot for me, as well as my aunt, Grandma, cousin, and sister, even friends and family online…thank God, and thank you.My children see me on the floor. I know the trust is that it’s in God’s hands. That’s the lesson. To co-create, and really allow him to carry it.
Funny thing is I’ve already gone through Y E A R S of healing to remove performance mentality in all my art. Scribbling on purpose for years, dancing bad on purpose for years so much so that it’s my favorite way to dance. Not everyone understands that one. And that’s ok. I don’t care, it feels so good. I encourage youth, and actually all of us, if you’re gonna mess up, do it on purpose, and do it in your art. Yes that includes music.
So the hairy orange thing. Is anyone else in my life making me feel this way today. No actually. “We wrestle not against flesh and blood.” Although isn’t everyone an agent of some sort? Fortunately I am mostly around older and or wiser, grace carrying agents. Or innocent young brilliant children whom also shape me.
After today’s episode, I remember and understand that sometimes in houses there’s leaks. And it’s a good thing I saw it right away. But first, I fell to the floor crying out to God for mercy and grace, told one of my teachers, and asked my mom to pray. Thank you Jesus. 😂
So apparently it comes from childhood. How do I shake it all off—OPE That’s it. Shake it off. My therapist mentioned asking the Holy Spirit next time what that feeling is, and He’ll teach me what to do. Right there I was processing a recent instance where I was in a new town, and asked to be prayed for in an impromptu large prayer circle at a restaurant’s patio. I felt a physical unseen giant in front of me. And I could barely hear what she was praying for…hoping no else noticed me experiencing this weird thing. However I knew the prayer itself was something divine, as the Holy Spirit shared before there was a divine appointment—but I felt something weird and fuzzy. And I myself, felt wrong, and messed up again. Did the enemy hijack it? Not entirely…we still received the prayer. And good changes happened after that as well as inspiration.
I also, got to remember and ponder body awareness.
So after therapy, I contemplated and knew I had to pray, and read, and pray, and read, and walk to the water.
But my moment came again today, and I was absolutely beyond dreading this excruciating painful moment until the moment was over. And everything was all good. I then realized, it was shame. I talked with Orangelfofflesteez too much today. Rise above Bethany, and rise above to all! Cheers. Rising above is a true power.
So good bye shame, you can stay in 2020. Although now that I’ve given it a name, it’s kinda making me laugh. Maybe that’s the secret? Give em all names. And next time I’ll try a stare down. Of course I am believing he or her is staying in 2020–And PING to the cross! although truth be told. I’ve said good bye to shame many times before. Remembering that we spiral up,(thanks to Sy Rogers for teaching what His therapist taught him)
Also, lately I’ve recognized that people have been saying to me stop worrying. Here’s what I’m going through. How? I’ve tried stopping. I worship Jesus. I read, I worship, I cry. I write. I rest. I dance. I punch the air. And worry says hello again when I’ve got 101 things to do that I’ve never done before…and suddenly in the moments imbetween every whole number, surprises want my autograph.
Truth be told, it feels absolutely crazy to try to stop worry. Bam smack, shut up poopy butt. Sorry for that graphic, figured I share for anyone else whom laughs at dogs pooping like me. I forgot what I was gonna say. 😂 something. Oh yeah, there’s probably purpose in it. Something to learn. It’s perhaps ok to not be ok. Cause we can’t always swat it out with the flies. Though perhaps we can direct it. Yes. Yes. That sounds delightful. Do our emotions belong in a pocket? Only if in that pocket is a book or your brilliant thoughts. Any experiences on what to do with worry in a healthy way let me know! For now I’m thinking of a name. Werschtonkertoonk? Pong to the ends of the earth!!!
I was in an unhealthy tricky relationship for around 9 years, and grew up in a loving but disfunctional family with not much order but pizza on Friday nights (so thankful there was at least love, which is more important than order if we’re gonna scale things.) I don’t own a scale on purpose, but knowing that has helped me process things and give me much gratefulness. It helps me know when to stop with order, and just do love. What a balancing act life is. I think I’m made for the circus…in the sense to walk diagonally sometimes, and look at life from laying down on other days. But no more in the cage. I’m a free flying elephant. Still learning to fly. And I’ll fall down sometimes, but with God, get back up again. It’s perhaps a time to watch Dumbo.
Declaring with our words is so powerful. I pray Heaven on Earth for everyone in 2021 and all that’s to come. Blessings. And Heaven on Earth. Will it be perfect? I think I’ll share my recent note I wrote about perfect soon. Perfect to me, is an abusive icy relationship. Imperfect is the real deal. Hallelujah, we are already made perfect in His image. And we are loved with flaws, skin spots, blushed faced and all. God made us beautiful, and perfectly imperfect so He can get the glory for all that is good. Because truth is I would not be where I am, starring at the water everyday and night (a dream come true) if it weren’t for the God who opened the door for imperfect me…He’s probably laughing at the beginning of all my training.
Lord thank you for sending us to our callings. For aligning us with our peeps. For generosity, thankfulness, love, and truth to abound. Oh how we love you. And we fix our eyes on the King, our Savior, whom is perfect peace, and perfect grace, and perfect mercy. It’s all from Him. Lean into the Lord. And let him hold you through it all, including your wildest dreams.
Love love love to you all. Extra grace. Extra mercy. Extra favor. And some funny joy!
From Bethany Scheer
(the real Beatriz Cloud) cloud pointer!